A little over 2 years ago, I made the decision to move to the city named for rebirth. I felt I needed a new beginning, a do-over, as it were. And while not all the decisions I made upon that move were good ones, things have, for the most part, worked out. I'm part of a kickass performance group, SINaesthesia, I've been accepted for who I am by my wonderful Ohauna, I have a beautiful six year old daughter, and a wonderful husband who loves me for who I am. I've made great strides of improvement in my musical ability, at least according to the husband. I start a new job on Monday, and with a new job comes a new start away from the things that went wrong at the previous job.
But one thing seems to be missing. Seventeen long months after a horrid miscarriage at almost 12 weeks and fifteen months of actual trying, and we have nothing to show for it. There are some things, in that 15 months, that I am getting really tired of hearing, such as:
"You're trying too hard"
"It'll happen when you least expect it."
"God has a plan"
It's the last one that really irritates me, though. Firstly, don't presume to know what my Higher Power does or doesn't have. My beliefs are none of your business, and the the last thing anyone wants to hear is that something they so desperately want is out of their control. I am already well aware of this, and I really don't need your reminder of this fact.
Studies have shown that little worries, like whether or not you will ever conceive, do not affect your conception chances. Bigger stresses, like moving, getting married, or being out of work do, but for once, this cycle we were surprisingly not stressed. So fourteen days of elevated temperatures and four days late mean absolutely nothing. And after fifteen months, there is a small part of me that is starting to feel as if maybe I'm making penance for some karmic sin I've committed. Is this my punishment for September 2006? Or for getting divorced? Is this my punishment for the debacle with King Hookah?
And if you're going to tell me to be patient, well, I'll leave you with this quote,
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal is just
To be
There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today...
